Near's Poor Taste in Cars
by Zenamez
Summary: Light, ever the critic, doesn't apperciate Near's inability to show up to explosive finale episodes in style. Rated M for language, just for safety. One-shot My first fic, and not very good. Criticism encouraged.


_**Obligatory disclaimer at start of fic: Contrary to popular belief, the owners of Death Note do not like to go on and post their own stories, and even if they did I'm not them. I don't own Death Note, but I bought the manga and watched all of the anime so I guess that's something.**_

**Death Note: Near's Poor Taste**

Light Yagami, the world-famous, feared and venerated Kira, stepped out of his black car, his ever-present shit-eating grin plastered firmly on his face. Today was the day, he giggles internally. The day that he would defeat Near and finally become the God of the New World, a position that would make him the supreme moral authority of the world. He could choose who lived and who died. He could make the perfect world he had desired for so many long years. But most importantly, he could use his power as Kira to demand appeasements from his followers. He had it all figured out: if the people wanted to live in a safe and crime-free world, they needed to give Kira a little bribe...a bit of motivation. Therefore, he would demand 30% of all the output of Cadbury's chocolate.

It was genius.

It was diabolical.

It was **delicious.**

But first he had to deal with Near. With him and the task force gone he could act freely without suspicion.

It would be simple. After all, he bested L, the man who was so smart he could be the top 3 detectives of the world simultaneously without anyone noticing that all three detectives collected payment from the same address. Then again, L thought that approximately twenty cubes of sugar was entirely suitable for his morning cup of tea, and seemed to believe that socks would eat his feet if he wore them even once, so maybe the overall standard of intelligence in the world was just really low.

Still, if a sockophobic insomniac was what passed for hyper-intelligent these days then surely a snot-nosed little punk like Near posed him no threat? Right?

Light shook his head.

"_What_ _could possibly go wrong with this meeting_?" he smugly thought.

Sure, in a about an hour or so he'd know just how badly it could go but right now it was smug gloating time and he'd be damned if any dramatic irony or comeuppance at the finale of the series was going to bring him down.

Finally, after what in the Death Note world counted as around two and a half seconds despite being a long-winded stream of rambling on Light's part, Light stepped forward and looked at Near's car. His shit-eating grin went from "mild fetishist" levels of shit-eating to "2Girls1Cup" levels, a dangerous sign for anyone who knew what Light tended to do to people when he was in a good mood.

He had a good reason for being so smug though. Well, good to him anyway.

"_Near's car....ehehehehehe....it's...__**pathetic!!**__ I knew he would do this!! I can read him like a book...Near, we've not even met and you've been __**completely defeated**__...! I __**knew**__ that you and your organization were penny-pinchers! I __**knew **__that you would only bother hiring a car...and a Ford Focus at that! It was so predictable, Near...You may have thought you had the upper-hand in both our battle of wits and our taste in cars...but you didn't expect me to hire a Lexus, __**did you!?**__ I've completely out-classed you, with my refined car and stylish suit! I wonder what you've decided to wear? I'll bet you followed the L fashion trend and just picked out your best 'homeless bum' clothes! Without socks! Despite the weather! Because you think you're L, but you're not even up to his level! You've no right to call yourself his replacement, with such shoddy taste in cars. And you couldn't even __**park**__ it right! I knew you would park in the handicapped spot, despite you not being handicapped....Except mentally of course! And you...you...!"_

"Uh...Light?" Matsuda interjected, rubbing his head sheepishly. "You've been staring at that car for about twenty seconds now, and I was wondering if you were all right?"

Light went wide-eyed in shocked. How could he have been standing there staring for THAT long?! This was Death Note! That whole internal tirade should've only been three seconds, maximum!

He angrily shook his head, brushing past Matsuda and trying not to let it faze him.

"It's nothing. Let's go. Near's waiting for us."

From within the decrepit, rusty old warehouse, Near sat in the centre, looking out of the slightly ajar door. Beneath his poorly constructed mask, he smirked. Then he stopped when it suddenly caught up with him that he had planted himself in the middle of one of the massive puddles littering the floor.

"_Dammit...knew I should've brought the little yellow raincoat. Light would've thought I was as 'special' as I looked and underestimated me, and I would be sitting high and dry...whatever. Light stared at the car for an awful long time. I knew he would. He probably knew that I knew he would, but there's a solid chance he doesn't know that I know that he knows that I knew he would look at the car. Just like __**KIRA**__ wouldn't! That clinches it! Oh, Light Yagami, your murdering days are about to end."_

Seeing as how this is Death Note, all this took roughly half a second, and within another two seconds, Light and the Investigation Team walked in, Matsuda excitedly telling everyone that they should be walking in formation to give off a badass Reservoir Dogs look. No one listened.

Light stepped into the centre towards Near, blissfully unaware of how badly the next hour or so would fuck him over.


End file.
